


Stronger Together

by Dreamsinlilac



Category: Holby City
Genre: Character Death, F/F, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Love, Support
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-15 01:02:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9212573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamsinlilac/pseuds/Dreamsinlilac
Summary: As Serena begins to work through her grief she comes to realise just how much support Bernie has given her.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Like many of you I was inspired by Tuesday's episode, in particular by a lot of the conversations on Tumblr regarding Bernie supporting Serena. 
> 
> This story is in no way saying that there is a time limit to grief, rather it's about moving through the stages, something that is different for everyone. 
> 
> Also, the style of counselling referred to is very much real though it may seem a bit unusual to anyone who has not experienced it. 
> 
> Thank you for reading.

“So Serena, how have you been since we last spoke?”

Probably for the first time since beginning her counselling sessions, Serena really considered the question before answering. “I’ve been, well, this week I’ve been okay. Ups and downs but a couple of good days.” 

Mary, her counsellor, smiled softly. “That’s good to hear. What would you like to focus on this week?”

This time there was no thinking about her answer, Serena knew exactly what she wanted to talk about. “I’d like to focus on Bernie, me and Bernie that is, our relationship and how what’s happened has affected it.”

“Affected?” There was no judgement in Mary’s tone, just a need for clarification. 

“Yes” Serena took a deep breath. “Our relationship was still so new when Ellie, well when I lost her and obviously since then everything has changed.”

It wasn’t the first time they had discussed Bernie during their sessions. Serena had been coming to them now for over five months and while it had taken some time to open up to this person who had started off as a total stranger, she now knew that the relief she got from sharing her thoughts far outweighed any need to hold back. Not that she didn’t talk to Bernie, she absolutely did and Bernie would always listen but sometimes it was easier to unburden yourself to someone who wasn’t so emotionally connected to the situation.

“Okay, close your eyes Serena and focus on your breathing, in, hold, out. And again.” Mary watched until the woman across from her fell into an even breathing pattern then gave her next instruction. “Concentrate on your body, start from your feet and slowly move up, what are you most aware of?”

It was several minutes before Serena responded. “My throat, it feels sore, blocked.”

“Alright and what do you feel that’s telling you?”

“I think….I think I’d like to talk. About what Bernie has done for me over these past six months.” 

That was what Serena appreciated most about these sessions. If she wanted to cry, she cried, if she wanted to reflect they practiced the mindfulness techniques that Mary had taught her. And like on days like this if she wanted to talk, they talked. 

“Go ahead.”, Mary prompted. 

It was difficult to know exactly where to start. Since that terrible day Bernie had dedicated herself fully to Serena’s well being. And Jason’s of course. When Serena had been the very early stages of grief Jason was still recovering from his injuries. It had been Bernie, with some help from Cameron and Fletch, who made sure that her nephew had company, reassurance and some sort of routine. They had been there to answer his many questions. His cousin had died, his Auntie was overwhelmed by the loss of her daughter and Jason didn’t quite know where he stood. He too was grieving in his own way and it was only recently that Serena had found out just how much her partner and friends had helped him. 

“Bernie did far more than Cam or I could.” Fletch told her a couple of weeks previously when he’d popped around to check up on her. She had mentioned something about how well Jason had coped and Fletch clearly felt she was up to hearing what, or rather who, had helped him. 

“You know Bernie, well of course you do. She has that very matter of fact way about her and he responded to that. He wanted to know how to help you and she told him to just be himself, I think she knew he felt under pressure to act differently but she soon stopped that train of thought. She did suggest that perhaps he direct any questions to her or one of us and he did but she definitely took the brunt of them. Still does. And has never has batted an eyelid or got frustrated for a second.” 

Deep down Serena had known all of this but had been too caught up in her own grief to really think about the impact to Jason. Oh she had been concerned, remembering how he had been when his world was turned upside down after the loss of his mother and an introduction to a family he had no knowledge of. She had mentioned it to Bernie during one of those early days, when Jason was coming home from hospital and suddenly Serena remembered there was someone else she had to look after.

“He’ll be okay. You just worry about you and Jason and I will be here to help you.” 

It turned out that Bernie had been working double carer duty. 

Even from a practical perspective she had been incredible. Somehow she had managed to always be available when Serena had needed lifts to the undertakers, the funeral home, all those dreadful places where one needed to make “arrangements.” She waited outside while Serena and Edward made plans for their daughter’s funeral, never overstepping the mark as Liberty had on several occasions, but rather acting as a silent supporter, there for whatever Serena needed. 

Sometimes she needed to scream. She needed to cry and vent and throw things, even now she had those moments, sometimes even full days. And when she did, Bernie was there to catch her. When the anger was gone and her body could no longer stay upright, Bernie was with her, holding on and promising not to let go. 

Just as she had at the funeral. The service was a blur to Serena, in fact the most of the day was. She could remember looking at all of Elinor’s friends who were in attendance, not able to stop the terrible thought going through her head. 

_“Why was it my little girl?” ___

__When the time had come to follow her daughter’s coffin from the church Serena had thought she was strong enough to do it by herself. Jason was acting as a pallbearer, Edward was of course was walking with Liberty who was making a complete scene with her overdramatic sobbing and wailing. Meanwhile Serena had steeled herself to make the terrible walk down the aisle alone._ _

__Except of course she wasn’t alone. Bernie, who was sat in the row behind her was immediately there, holding her hand just as she had done while they had waited outside the hospital room, radiating strength as she softly whispered. “I have you. I’m here.”_ _

__And she was. She was there when Serena made the decision to go back to work after two weeks, a decision that she now knew had been the wrong one. She had just about managed three days, thought she was alright, that she could lose herself in work. That was until a twenty year old girl was brought in following an RTC. The accident hadn’t been a serious one but they needed to rule out concession. And Serena couldn’t do it. Try as she might she did not trust herself to hold it together enough to do the examination._ _

__She did however trust Bernie, who once she was sure Morven was looking after the patient, brought Serena her coat and bag and whispered, “I’m taking you home, I think you need some more time to grieve.”_ _

__That day told Serena what she already knew, she wasn’t ready to go back to work. It would have been hard regardless but having to go to Holby, to walk past where the accident had happened, to be in her office, the locker room where they had their last conversation, the room where having turned off the machines that were falsely keeping her alive, her beautiful Ellie had slipped away, it was all too much._ _

__So Serena had gone home with Bernie and she had stayed home since then. Luckily money wasn’t an issue and somehow she was never on her own, not unless she really wanted to be. Jason was there, Fletch and Raf called as did Morven and Cameron. Even Charlotte, who while rebuilding her own relationship with her mother had started to create a bond with the woman her mother loved. And although sometimes seeing Charlie was a painful reminder of what she had lost, Serena found herself becoming more and more fond of her partner’s daughter with every visit._ _

__Charlie and Cam, like their mother, had helped with some of the practicalities that Serena hadn’t even thought of. She knew that she needed to contact the University, the bank and the mobile phone company to settle her daughter’s affairs, including the credit card debt that turned out to be very much the truth. But she hadn’t even considered the minefield that was social media. It was Charlotte who had suggested to Bernie that Serena should think about it. Following that Christmas day both she had Cameron had become friends with Ellie on Facebook and could see the amount of messages and pictures that many of her friends had left as a tribute._ _

__“I checked up on it and if Serena wants she can memorialise the page. Or close it down if she’d rather. Do you think she’d like to see what people have said? It’s all lovely stuff Mum, there’s nothing nasty or about.. well you know.”_ _

__Bernie had known exactly what Charlotte was referring to. “Let’s ask her shall we?”_ _

__It had taken a couple of weeks but eventually Serena felt strong enough to look at her daughter’s Facebook page. With Bernie next to her on the couch she opened the link that Charlie had sent and as she read through the various posts she had broken down. To see all these lovely words and to know that Elinor would never read them, never know what her many, many friends really felt about her was just too much to comprehend._ _

__“Did she know I loved her?” The words came tumbling out before she could stop them._ _

__“Of course she did.” Bernie’s answer had been sure and certain. How could you not know that Serena Campbell loved you? In her own experience it was an undeniable truth, an almost tangible feeling that once experienced was never forgotten._ _

__The words as well as the online messages had given Serena some level of comfort, something that in those dark days she grasped with both hands. But sometimes it just wasn’t enough._ _

__“I wanted another child.”, she whispered into the darkness one night. Bernie had simply tightened her hold on the woman in her arms, a soft kiss to Serena’s hair giving her the encouragement she needed to keep talking._ _

__“We tried for years but it just never happened. I suppose we should have looked into things, secondary infertility and all that. But I was so busy with work and then, well even though I ignored it things with Edward began to fall apart and then it was too late. I consoled myself with the fact that I had Ellie though, that I had a child….” Her voice had broken at that point and as she sobbed all Bernie could do was rock her gently._ _

__“It probably wouldn’t make this any easier would it?”_ _

__Bernie shook her head, thinking of her own mother and of the brother who had been snatched from their family at the age of fourteen. She remembered the word that as a eight year old she didn’t truly understand. Leukaemia. Remembered her parents breaking the news, her mother sobbing, her father stoic but still broken. The name Robert was rarely spoken in the house after that because of the sadness it brought with it. “No love.”_ _

__“I know I have Jason and I love him like he’s my own”, Serena confessed. “But I don’t have those memories of him, first steps, first word, the teenage years all of that. I didn’t give birth to him and sometimes I don’t feel we’ve really got that connection. Is that a terrible thing to say?”_ _

__“You and Jason have a different type of connection. He may not be your child but he’s your family. Remember that okay?”_ _

__“I’ll try.” Serena cuddled closer to Bernie. “Thank you.”_ _

__There were other things that she needed to thank her partner for, even though at the time she had hated her for them. She had always liked a drink, liked the social aspect, liked the feeling of relaxing with a nice glass of Shiraz, enjoyed the comfort it gave her. But apparently there was a such thing as too much comfort._ _

__“Where’s that bottle of wine?” Serena was frantically going through the cupboards looking for it. It was two days after she had realised she wasn’t ready for work, five weeks since _that day _and there had not been a night where she hadn’t needed something to take the edge off.___ _

____“How about we try without any alcohol tonight?”_ _ _ _

____“What?”_ _ _ _

____Bernie was scratching her neck, something that she always did when she was nervous. “Ummm. Well, Serena I…..”_ _ _ _

____“Oh, spit it out.”_ _ _ _

____“You can’t carry on drinking like you have been. It’s not the answer and we’re, _I’m _worried about you.”___ _ _ _

______Serena had sank down into the kitchen chair. “Don’t be ridiculous, I’m not drinking that much. And if I was, so what? Don’t you think I have reason to? In case you’ve forgotten- my daughter has died.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I know and I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through but alcohol is only numbing the pain, masking it, not taking it away. I have to say this because I’m so afraid that this will become a bigger issue and I don’t want that for you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Even though Bernie was softly spoken and non-confrontational, Serena still saw red. She stood up, knocking the chair back as she did so, eyes blazing as she stared at this person who should be helping her, not telling her she had yet another problem to deal with._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Teetotal are you? An expert on grief? On me and what I should do?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“No.. I”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Oh get out.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Bernie hesitated at the door, not wanting to leave, especially like this._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Now!”_ _ _ _ _ _

______The sound of glass shattering against the kitchen door told Bernie not to go too far. Instead she sat in the car for three hours waiting. Jason was in the house so she knew Serena wasn’t totally alone. Then, when she judged enough time had passed, she had let herself back, silently opening the kitchen door and wrapping the distraught woman who was silently sobbing on the floor in her arms._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I can’t do this by myself.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re not.”, Bernie promised. “You have Jason and your friends and colleagues.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“And you?” The words were barely audible._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Goes without saying.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______The drinking hadn’t completely stopped, there was still at least a glass most evenings but as time went on the amount lessened considerably. At Bernie’s encouragement Serena found other things that, though they couldn’t take her mind off everything, could distract her even for a short time. At the beginning the suggestions were annoying, casually dropped over dinner or notes left on the kitchen table when Bernie had gone to work. But considering the amount of time she now had on her hands, Serena found herself taking some on board._ _ _ _ _ _

______She started swimming most days, talking solace in the pool that was almost empty at 11AM. She also took refuge in her garden, planting the seeds that Bernie had left along with the notes, enjoying when Jason came out to help her, his random knowledge about horticulture a further distractor when she needed it. She also saw her friends more often, met Sian for lunch when she felt up to it, arranged to visit with Fletch and the children, met with Morven for coffee in the city centre. It may have been a different type of grief but it helped to speak to someone who knew what that feeling was like, the one where you stopped being yourself and became, “That woman who lost her daughter.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’ll get through this.” Morven, like Bernie seemed absolutely sure that this was true. “It will take time and you may not be the same person afterwards but you will.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Will I?” It had been a down day and Serena was having trouble believing anything positive. “What do I possibly have to live for now?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Love. You have people you love and who love you. And you have someone who would go to the ends of the earth for you. Don’t forget that.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She may not have said Bernie’s name but she didn’t have to. Serena knew and was beginning to see just how much Bernie had been doing for her, from the extraordinary to the everyday aspects of life._ _ _ _ _ _

______Bernie had been the person who had first made Serena laugh, something that felt so alien after weeks of crying mixed with silence mixed with fury. It had been a completely mundane situation, breakfast and Bernie was attempting to make poached eggs, a simple concept that seemed to be completely beyond her._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Erm, do these look okay to you?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Serena looked up to see a plate of waterlogged toast topped with looked like raw eggs. They were far from okay but the sight of them combined with the image of Bernie looking so flustered did what nothing else had done for weeks, it made her giggle. She clasped her hand over her mouth, not wanting Bernie to feel bad about her quite frankly terrible attempt but she couldn’t hold back._ _ _ _ _ _

______“No, not really.”, she eventually wheezed out._ _ _ _ _ _

______Eventually the laugher stopped and the guilt crept in. Tears formed again as she realised that Ellie was still dead but she had been laughing. How could she?_ _ _ _ _ _

______It was Jason, who this time had offered reassurance. “It’s okay to laugh, to be happy. When Mum died I was really sad, I still am but I can be happy too, like when I’m with both of you. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss her but I know she’d rather I be happy than always crying. I didn’t know her very well but I think Cousin Elinor liked to have fun, I’m sure she’d want you to do the same.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Thank you Jason.” Serena reached over and took his hand, squeezing it gently, a gesture he returned while Bernie smiled at them both._ _ _ _ _ _

______“So, just toast?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yes please.”, Jason answered for them both. “With butter, not water.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Grief counselling had been suggested by both Ric and Henrik but the idea was dismissed immediately. Bernie however was more persistent, especially after the drinking conversation and had sat with her when she reluctantly made the appointment._ _ _ _ _ _

______“If you get nothing from it you can stop going but you won’t know until you try. And if you don’t you might regret it.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Says you.”, Serena again snapped bitterly. “Did you go for counselling after your accident? After what you saw when you were serving? After what happened with Marcus?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“No I didn’t.” Bernie looked her right in the eye. “And I regretted it.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______The honesty was enough to push Serena into making the phone call and setting up her first appointment. It also led her to where she was now._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I suppose I want to know where to go from here. I’m ready to go back to work, to get into a routine but what does that mean for us?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“What do you want it to mean?”, Mary asked._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I mean there’s so much to consider. Bernie’s been staying with me almost every night, unless she’s working, though she’s still paying rent on her flat which is ridiculous. I don’t want her to feel obliged to stay though.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Do you want her to go back to her flat after you return to work?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Serena slowly shook her head. “No but I don’t want her to feel that she has to stay to take care of me, like she has been. I want her to know that I see her as my girlfriend or partner or whatever you want to call it.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______There was deliberate silence from Mary which allowed Serena consider what to do next._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I suppose I could talk to her.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You could, if you did what will you say?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Bernie looked up from the book she had been flicking through while waiting for Serena. “How was your session?”, she asked while leaning over for a quick kiss._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Good, I’m going to keep seeing Mary for a bit longer but that was a really good session. We talked about a lot, actually some things I wanted to discuss with you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Oh?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Serena pushed Bernie’s fringe back, looking into brown eyes that instantly gave away her partner’s concern. “It’s okay, please don’t worry. Just, let’s go somewhere we can talk.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______The decided on the Peace Garden at the hospital. Serena had always found comfort there and as she hoped there was nobody else around._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I want to thank you for everything you’ve been doing. It’s only now that the fog is lifting I can really see all that you’ve done for me.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I wasn’t alone.” Bernie,never one to be singled out for praise, responded in her typical manner._ _ _ _ _ _

______“No.”, Serena linked their hands as they walked. “But you did the most. You’ve basically put your life on hold for me and I’m so grateful. I’m not there yet, wherever there may be. Maybe I never will be. And I know things had irrevocably changed but one thing has stayed the same. I love you Berenice Wolfe I loved you before but after all of this, I love you even more.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I love you too.”, Bernie murmured, blushing at Serena’s words._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I know you do. I wish I could say that things were magically going to get better now, that I’ll come back to work and be my old self but we know that won’t happen. I’m still grieving, I always will be but I don’t want that to become the sole purpose of my life. And although she had her moments where it may have seemed the opposite, I know Ellie wouldn’t want that either.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“No.”, Bernie agreed._ _ _ _ _ _

______“So I’m going to start concentrating on the good in my life. Jason of course, work and you. You and this, us, what we’ve found. Our relationship is so important to me and I don’t want to lose it. I want to start being your partner again.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She wasn’t just talking about sex, they had been intimate though it had been infrequent and especially at the start, tinged with guilt_ _ _ _ _ _

______Bernie stopped and pulled Serena into her arms. “You’ve always been my partner and you won’t lose me, lose this, I promise.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Well, I know what a Bernie Wolfe promise means.” Serena pressed their lips softly together and smiled. “So, will you please promise me one more thing?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Anything.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Will you promise me that you’ll give your landlord notice and move in properly.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Bernie was shocked into silence for a moment. “Is that what you want?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“It is. The question is, is it what you want?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______If she was very honest the notion of moving in officially hadn’t really occurred to Bernie, she just knew she wanted to be nearby in case Serena needed her. But now that the offer was there… “Yes.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Well that’s that settled then.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______They walked in silence for a little longer, still holding hands, each silently contemplating life as it now was for them. The mixed emotions at having lost so much while at the same time finding something incredible were difficult for both to process._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re the strongest woman I know.” Bernie eventually broke the silence. “Every day I’m in awe of your strength.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I am strong.” It wasn’t ego talking, Serena had learned a lot about her own strength over the previous months, a lesson she desperately wished had passed her by but life had not been so kind. “And you my love are also strong, I knew that of course but I see it even more now. But do you know something?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“What’s that?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“As strong as we are separately, you and I are most definitely stronger together.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______And as they continued their walk through the quiet garden Bernie made another promise to Serena. “Always together.”_ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
